Tuesday, March 11, 2014

A Single Girl’s Guide for Dealing with a Cockroach

Preface: Before judging, please know that regularly Lysol, swiffer, and vacuum, but I am utterly shocked to find that my surface level cleaning with happy smelling products has not eradicated my 100+-year-old building’s inner walls of dust and bugs.  Biannually, one somehow emerges and scares the pants offa me. 


1.   Stop dead in tracks when see something from corner of eye on kitchen floor.
2.     Pull body out of catatonic state and swivel in direction of suspected movement.
3.     Be disappointment and horrified upon confirmed discovery of cockroach.
4.     As unattractive creature crawls on floor, resume pseudo-catatonic state while loudly wailing, “Nooooo” as if it were ex’s new girlfriend showing up to house.
5.     Watch in state of paralysis as uninvited guest casually makes way across floor under dresser.
6.     Chant, “Oh God WHY?” (repeat 3 times)
7.     Locate Tupperware, Gladware, or Rubbermaid item in ineffective wooden dish rack.
8.     Upon reemergence of building-dwelling lobster ancestor, trap in clear plastic Gladware dome.
9.     Stare.
10. Practically cry, “I’m sorry!”
11. Find Oprah magazine and tear off back cover page perfume ad featuring Julia Roberts.
12. Anchor top of plastic dome with one hand while stealthily sliding magazine page underneath entire open base of Gladware bug conservatory with the other.
13. Find tape and secure ¾ of circumference of upside down recyclable bowl onto perfume ad page.
14. Chuckle with total disgust as cockroach now has flooring made of Julia Roberts’ 2D exquisite face.
15. Think to self, “If I had a man here, I wouldn’t have to do this s*** by myself.”
16. Apply pressure to top of dome-magazine apparatus and slide across wood flooring all the way through front door and down common hallway to trash chute.
17. Wave to neighbors.
18. Open door and pull chute open.
19. Fearfully and rapidly pick up ¾ secure contraption and fling down chute with piercing shriek.
20. Slam chute shut and imagine cockroach happily finding freedom and fulfillment in giant basement dumpster eight floors below.